Im fine with my daddy being happy, but IM HIS DAUGHTER, his wifes child, his first child. I do not know what I would do without my loving husbands support. When my Mum died there was no counselling and I just had to get on with it. Our dedicated home care staff are specialists who provide a range of services according to their training, professional certification and experience. Open to Hope is an online community offering inspirational stories of loss, hope and recovery. My mom, like many of your moms, passed away from cancer (colon), in 2006. Unfortunately, due to the selfishness of the woman concerned, my sister and I are the ones looking after my father. All I see is that greed has been number one on his list. I believe that a photo of a late husband or wife has a place in a new home. According to him he is old, 81 years old, and cannot be by himself. If we had to make a 100 mile round trip to save her a 2 mile detour hed want to save her the trouble. I only met the D and the S 18 on one occasion. Be the first to know what's trending, straight from Elite Daily, 13 St. Patrick's Day Drink Recipes From TikTok That Are Pure Gold, I Tried Jeni's 'Ted Lasso' Ice Cream, & These Biscuits Are Life, Tour All The 'Daisy Jones & The Six' Filming Locations IRL, By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. This can open new lines of communication and reduce the threat you feel that she is somehow replacing your mother. I didnt mean for this post to get so long theres a lot Im not even saying.. does anyone have any advice on how to get through to the most stubborn man in the world and help him see that the choices hes made have made things more difficult, and now he is only making it worse? Wn we would try to bring it up to him it became Dont you want me to be happy? She is a horrible woman. . So I now inhabit a house with them and their infant daughter. I thought he was a grown adult. Cheap internet dating aside. My sister and I will apparently receive an e-mail from him before the end of the year advising us of something. I once cut his hair too short,she told him he looked like a thug,wouldnt speak to him for days,now he panics every time I cut his hair incase I use the wrong fitting. I feel the pain of all the daughters on this website and Im glad I found this site. A year later, my father met his wife and within months of dating she wanted my 1-year-old to call her Grandma. Its a beautifully horrifying memory that is vivid to this day. I do hope you have found some peace ? I cannot emphasise enough that there may well be a case of self-preservation here. He cant go around the sadness or loneliness he feels. The best to all of you. Maybe Im being childish and selfish but a dying wish for a wife of 42 years should be honored dont you think? Although we were no longer romantically involved, there was no one else I wanted to be held by more. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. He still is helping me with money and will send me checks to help me pay for things since Im completely on my own now but the dad that I had growing up is pretty much gone. I know! She wears daisy duke shorts and mini skirts and tight dresses. My mom died in 2005 and my dad went on a date 3 weeks later. Thats when I started really being suspicious of her. It is true that we should think about how our loved ones wanted us to be, because we can pay tribute to them and we can have them in our lives forever. He said, Absolutely not. When I was packing my things she cried all day & refused to help us pack. She never actually had to block it because after she went for my sister we all decided she was so unstable and volatile it was not safe for us to go. This woman is everything my Mum was not. She still refuses to get a job and theyre struggling. I feel my father has betrayed me, failed to live by the promise he made mom to be there for his two girls, and his words that he would never get another woman when mom died. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Her heritage is Italian and she loved to make sauce and meatballs for spaghetti or breaded veal cutlets and huge green salads for our family meals. My father got quiet, and said that they werent having a second party. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Don't like this guy and suddenly at different. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. Me Where they went, what they ate, how they laughed.so I set to trying to say the right thing and be supportive even thought I didnt like the idea of this woman. I thought this was ok since he was alone and needed someone to talk to so he wouldnt be out of his mind. If he thinks things will ever be the same he is mistaken.It is not a question of bearing a grudge or of forgiveness. I met this wonderful man who I could talk very easily about my feelings of lost of my late husband and he could do the same with me. I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. When my Mom was alive, she enjoyed cooking and having her family over to eat. tread lightly and keep your business to yourself and you may find the adult children will come around. Well, a few days ago, my dad tells me that he is going to Florida next week with a woman friend of his (he never would have taken my mom to Florida). Sure how to provide comfort this father's death. Boy was she right. However, as big events come up in our lives, issues come up. The worst part is that I cant even say anything because I dont want to embarrass him or start a fight. has taken our frustration to a new level. It gets me. This has helped him considerably, realizing that there are more people that depend on him than he thought, and how important he is to people. She has her own home, has 2 grown children, 2 grandchildren but is now completely in charge of his checking and savings account. He claimed that their marriage had been difficult for about 5 years and that my mother-in-law would treat him very badly when they were home alone. It has been really helpful to read so many posts, as Ive never talked to anyone in the same situation as myself. I just pray so much that the lady he is dating is the woman she says she is and that she and I can find a way to bond over common interests. I was completely taken aback mostly because my mom told him repeatedly how she felt if he were to do such a thing. She had him stay with her for about a year because she was scared of losing control. If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot help others. I guess I just need to keep asking God for his help. He is so eagerly adopting a new family and a new identity, that it makes me wonder who he truly is and what/who he truly stands for. Update: My dad officially proposed and she accepted. I am expected to meet her and spend time with her, and when I do not, I become the outcast. I came to the hospital every single day without my dad for 2 weeks while she was in excruciating pain. The the following year, found out Marsha, Marsha, Marsha and him were dating, when it started I do not know. We try to maintain as civil a relationship with him as possible we all live several hours from my dad and have learned to avoid certain conversation topics with my dad because theyll result in huge fights. My mom and dad were married for about 45 years and it wasnt always a happy one. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! Dont be so hard on yourself! Try to get her to meet people who never knew your dad - it helps a lot. Very sad, Ive kept praying for the strength.just too tired to turn my check again. The reality that my Widower Boyfriend (WBF) was deeply involved with someone (me) other than their mother was a shock for the AC. I feel like Im losing him, too. Whatever it may be, it will do nothing but hold you back from opportunities and moving forward in life. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole. The trip was uncomfortable. When you lose someone you have loved for so many years dies, just REPLACE them with a new one. Her name is not on the account, but mine is! Speaking of clothes, she has over 28 bathing suits that she has made. These are all red flags for me. Did your dad leave money for her retirement? I am not sure I would have had the courage to do that myself even if I could have seen the future. Dad has apparently lost his frugal mentality, He bought a new car, treats his girlfriend as if she can walk on water and does for her, all the things my Mom always wished for. I was not looking for this it just happened. Any suggestions? Your children are there but they are not there. There are people in the U.K who have never worked and who live in what is called council housingwhich would be social housing in the U.S I would follow them several paces behind when they went to the cemetery perhaps seeking absolution. She was very reluctant to do this at first, but finally caved after a year or so. Then in July, he went camping with her and her family. Alcoholism has actually been a big issue in my family, and I'm worried about it as well. They visit for birthdays and events. That was tough, as it was my Moms house too and this woman just moved in and took over. Im glad he let me do this instead of just getting rid of it all himself. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. He can live his, I can live mine. We both were happily married for more than 25 years and the unexpected happened to us. It made me sick. Your new love has you to keep him occupied all they have is pain and sadness and memories of someone they had loved and lost. We want a relationship with him, not with her, and he has tried to force it on us. You cant reward him with private visits with his grandchildren while he ignores his own daughter. . I would have had no problem with their friendship because I didnt want him to be lonely but my mother was a good mother & wife to him for 60 years, raised their 3 children together & helped him run a business for most of those years before retiring together. I lost my mom on March 24, 2008 after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer. I felt such resentment towards my father-in-law because I had tried to accept openly welcome Irene as a part of our new family picture to preserve the family and to have this kind of thing done so childishly behind my husbands back was just too much for us. Yes, it is right to be sensitive. She also managed to monopolize every situation with her own drama (example: she lost her license for the vehicular manslaughter 2 days before my wedding and dad and people that were supposed to help me with the wedding ended up driving her around, taking her to hair appts, buying groceries for the out-of-towners dinner at dads house which she never prepared bc she was in court so my mother-in-law had to make it, etc., taking valuable helpers away from me-the bride-who was doing/making everything herself to save money). Im surprised she even waited 18 months before she joined the dating agency. After speaking with a few family members, I found out that my mom did not like this cousin. They served each other in love. 3 weeks later he started dating a woman 15 years younger than he from church. who knows), but it gives me a bad feeling. My husband and I have two beautiful and healthy adult daughters. I wish you the best. Basically, if I didnt offer to help, this is the route it would have gone. Life is very short and fleeting so take a deep breath and shine your moms light for her. We havent had time to really adjust to Mom being gone and this only adds to the already devastating heartache. So ever since this happened Ive been cordial but I dont accept her. While he will be happy that he's dating. But he wasnt the only one affected upon his wifes death as Lisa B. commented. Well the evening ended, said to my husband on the way home I know where my moms ROLEX watch is he says on the new wife wristOMG I wasnt seeing things, I told my middle sister so the next time we saw them she took a look and yup, I was rightShe is still wearing it to this day and that just makes me sick Psychologically, knowing that the visit is almost resented because I am not her is hard going. The people who have been talking about the rights of the adult parent to move on however quickly are not seeing the whole picture. I had also cried too many nights when I see him suffering for the hurtful things that they had done or said to him the few times that they talk or argue. I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site. If you read this could you message me in the hope that we can help each other ? Mom put to death at her own request after murdering her 5 kids This story has been shared 97,343 times. The key here is I believe, she has abused him into such a state that he can no longer think for himself for fear of being alone. First, its important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. He was single for a while, and really took the time to bond closely with my brother and me. They were married 34 years good relationship. Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. Mom put to death at her own request after murdering her 5 kids This story has been shared 97,343 times. They consider that he has destroyed the family and he has betrayed them because we are going to get married. My sister feels the same way and told our dad not to visit her with his girlfriend from Belarus. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. Dear Girlfriend, I put in over a thousand miles this year preparing for a 500 mile bike ride across our state. Dad lost his car in an accident just a few weeks before the stoke. Needless to say, hes been talking exclusively with one woman who is from the UK and is about six years older than I am. I would like for someone to tell me when its ok to date after a spouse dealth. I lost my mother in November 2009 to heart disease. To change without notice. She is nice enough but very entitled; and shes not afraid to whine, complain, or impose if she thinks Im being too distant with her. This because after a meal of her mother 32; just wants to honor of a half. I defy anyone to say that this does not demonstrate an obscene lack of decorum and sensitivity. Not so much anymore. It will do no good. My phone bill alone is 129. After attacking my sister we could not visit at her home. He resented being taken out for visits almost as if he felt we were at fault. I have a sister who is 20 years older and she told him it was all too soon and he should consider everyone elses feelings but he said he was entitled and really proved he could not have cared less what anyone thought. I was speechless. Her legs were in really bad shape and her hands were shaking and she wasnt responding well. You will never trust your fathers love for you again. He is depressed because he has been abandoned by her and takes it out on me. It is disappointing and offensive to know that the 20 plus years of marriage he had with my mother, doesnt seem to matter much now as he has decided he cant be alone and has needs. So living here with him has made it very hard on me. How to raise chickens? She has no children, she is an only child, and she does not really care about anything but herself, hence the term Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (The Brady bunch in 70s) .My Dad forgot my Brothers and my birthday, which is only and few days apart. He sold them took the money. My dad met his new and first girlfriend since my moms passing early this year. Try to work it out: In the end, even paying a renter or nonpaying guest to go away might be faster and cheaper than trying to evict him. The family has been told by word or deed that their pain and suffering is secondary to the new romance. After reading all these stories i feel like i am reading about myself. I just found out that my Dad is beginning a relationship with a new lady, so I instantly came home and found this amazing website. This dad has did it all for themsorry his 45 year old marriage is overSHE DIED 3 YEARS AGO. I dont think weve made any headway with him. Looking for novel in all the wrong places? In my case it turned out not so okay. WebAnswer (1 of 3): Well you can't bring him back , but be there for her, if she does irrational things support them, trauma is the hardest pill to swallow I know. This was on August 26. A big man he was 64 and he was like a big teddy bear. Her death came as a major shock to us. How dare I try to prevent him from moving on? They analyze all of their failed relationships, reminisce, and learn about each other more deeply. However, the horrors of the past and the selfishness and defence of the indefensible behaviour make visiting and caring all the harder. I explained to him that Ill miss him because I wont ever be able to make the trip due to my financial situation. ET on Saturday and Sunday. She flat out told him that she did not want to hear about her, she wanted to know what he had been up to. Get out of the house if it is depressing her. I just read the most recents posts.If you read this and think you can give me advice, please do. Help with dinner, do the dishes, offer to do her laundry. I just dont understand what to do. No one will understand what we widows/ers go thru unless you walk in our shoes. while my mother told me all sorts of details about their crummy 38 year long marriage. Only told 1 sibling..I found out by mistake totally devastated.she has been hiding it and has now come out once again without telling her children and 4 stepchildren.the total disregard for feelings, honesty and integrity has consumed me and destroyed our relationship = perhaps for good. I said I needed time since I was still grieving the loss of my mother. When he is sick, hell check in daily for advice(were health professionals) but otherwise, it seems an effort to check in . I feel like im growing up to fast because of this to ever since it ive been having to cook almost all the meals and everything on top of my homework and sports and friends. Ive sought counsel elsewhere, in real life and on the internet, and it always amounts to a guilt trip: How dare I try to deprive my father of happiness? She's also very young and has plenty of time to work. WebWhile it's reasonable to ask him to find his own place because money isn't an issue, you can't expect him to leave on the spot. She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out .but I declined this time. I invited my dad so my friend could help him improve his dance skills so we could dance together. They were very codependant, but because I grew up with them being that way, it wasnt a big deal to my sister or I. If I try to clean (I want to contribute to the house somehow), it gets misconstrued as me trying to take over and not allowing her to make it her home. No one could fail to see the pain and suffering Todd has endured.My husbands Dad shot himself when my husband was 14 so I know the huge impact this would have on the children and those left behind. Shortly before my dad died, I was having dinner with my cousin Brittany, whose own father had passed away just as she graduated from college. WebWhen my Father died, I used to go to my mom's for dinner every week, she would always say she could eat when someone was there. i feel as though he hasnt repected me at all as hes skipped most of the important things in my life to constantly go visit her. e treats us is certainly not making me happy. Your Mom needs to go get a job. He just doesnt understand how upsetting his fast moving relationship is. You are married and have a child. needing someone to soothe his hurts. If your dating this man is just that going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in. My dad and his girlfriend kinda wait for my granny to die, then he moves her right in after making me get rid of my dog who then also dies in his new home suddenly. He insists on talking about this woman non-stop and wants our families (including several grandchildren aged 8 to 14) to spend time with her. Well, I met her and my attitude has changed. I was emotionally exhausted. Oh and one more thing, on top of all this he continues to traumatized me by giving my moms and grandmas car to this lady to drive and she even uses my moms dresser and this just is so wrong I want to die sometimes to make it stop. I wish I knew how to get passed this. I dream about and think about it constantly and it was very traumatizing to me. From this minute I got there that morning, my sister was already there, and Dad he kept trying to rush the evadible . Thank you for being so honest in your comments. It is very sad, but after 2 and half years I havent been able to talk to them more than 2 times, they were reluctant to meet me.I believe that I am a good, caring person who loves their father and only want the best for them, if they only will give me a chance. Alexandra Eitel graduated from the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University with a degree in International Affairs, with a focus on China. I love my dad but it hurts too much to hear him exclaim his great love for this woman at this point. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. In doing so, its damaged our relationship a little, but I love him and do not want him to be unhappy. I have met her once and she is a nice lady, but shes not my mom. It was profoundly lonely and its not just the loss of intimicy, its more then that. Its like mom was the glue that held the family together and now that shes gone.the family just went there seperate ways! They found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that she was near the end. Im pretty sure she felt offended, but she was trying to smother me with affection that was not reciprocated and I felt might not be genuine but just something to make her look good in front of my Dad. On behalf of the OP, thanks KilgoreTroutIsMyHero. She lived a distance away but was staying at the house 10 weeks after Mum died; I was 13. My husband also feared that now that his mother was gone, his stepdad would cast him aside. She didnt want me to do groceries for her anymore. I actually think I will call her today and see if she wants to see a movie. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me? I thought I would be happier, but Im not. But I love him , he is a great man, I know he is not perfect but I know not one of us is perfect but we have to be kind. IT REALLY BOTHERS ME hes also always with her kids!! For much of my mothers life she did not have to work just take care of the family. I started dating her. It has been 3 months since my mother passed away in a car accident. (I understand that there are some exceptions and sometimes this will be impossible to accomplish) Finding happiness, it is a choice. It is so unspeakably insensitive to tell people that the pain and grief they are dealing with could be worse. It is also the mother of a friend i had in elementary school. I have learned and moved on, knowing I will never let this happen with my kids. Hi guys, im super late to this post but just thought id share my experiences. What a way to find out that your dads married and shares a joint bank account with a stranger! Christmas came and the woman my dad had been talking to came to visit. Home After Moms Death, Daughter Struggles With Dads Girlfriend. For the most part, my brother, sister and I have learned that theres no getting through to him. (I'm 23, if that counts for anything.) Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. He said this woman is the only light at the end of a dark tunnel. This was a 6.5 year period yikes. Dealing with the same situation , except I have known this lady for many many years, and did not now like her do to some things she did to me, and that she is sneaky, manipulative, and nasty. I pray every day for my Mother and for acceptance. My mom has lived on her own since my dad died in 2017, first in a seniors retirement community, now in her own condo. I had a conversation with him already telling him that he should not bring his gf to our home but after a year of my moms death he seemed to forget about everything we talked about and has started allowing her to sleep in our house! Other folk have mentioned sexual details being mentioned and we had that also. I know it is selfish of me to feel this way and my dad deserves to be happy. I felt willing it to her was a stupid decision on his part but there is nothing I can do about it. He never calls me, its always me calling him and 80% of the time he wont even answer. It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. I really hate that as my Mom worked hard to help my Dad build that home. But, as a 13-year-old who had only ever lost a goldfish, I wasn't well-equipped to help her talk through her trauma. Some of you expressed concern about the relationships being too soon, and I agree with some of you, but especially men that depended completely n their wives, have been married for a long time dont want to be alone. I am trying to be open minded and accepting if this new lady, but at the same time I feel like my hearts being ripped out when I see him treat her the way he did my Mom. So, I know that on some level, she understands what I have been through as well. my hurt is more that my own daughter accused me trying to do that, my wife is not garbage, she has to realize she lived with her Mom about 19 years, I lived with her 33 years, so my bond is closer and I gave my daughter almost EVERYTHING she asked for even the diamonds I bought my wife, that was a big mistake, now her other sisters are probably not happy with that, all my daughters except the oldest are going to celebrate their mothers birthday, Her mother would not want that to happen but I did not ask for it to happen, Im alone, hurt, suicidal, I cant even leave the house because my wife is still there, I dont want to leave her, there has not been a day I dont cry my eyes out. Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. She makes her own clothes she has no job she lives in a room in her sisters house where she is the primary caregiver for their mom when all the sisters are at work. A lot more listening and a lot less suggesting what she should do worked well. I actually sang the song through my tears, and then sat in the YouTube parking lot for a few moments in silence. Just send him a link to this webpage. And on top of everything that was going on with my mommy, my dad and i hadnt been getting along for a couple years now. However, he has been pretending for the past few months that this older lady (probably about 10 years older than him) has just been buying gifts for my niece and making him food all the time because she feels sorry for our family. Answered on Nov 30th, 2015 at 6:00 AM.
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